Productivity Report

Today was supposed to be a very productive day for me and Murray. To begin the day's production, I needed to print off a sheet to test the resolution of screen shots for my up and coming book. (I know: I will soon be a [self] published author! The book is about the riveting world of Illustrator.)

I couldn't print it. (Have I ever mentioned how vehemently I hate home printers? Because they NEVER work. Not ever. Not even after you pay $300 for a brand new one that's supposed to be good for graphic art. Epsonality, my @$$.) We recently switched internet providers and set up a new wireless network for the home, but forgot to have the installer set up our printer on the new network.

So most of the morning was spent with Murray on the phone with Epson trying to figure out how to set up our printer on the new network. Eventually he just got disconnected, which was fine because it was time for a Costco run anyway.

At Costco we purchased toilet paper, diapers, bacon bits, and chicken nuggets. Emphasis on the toilet paper; the rest of those items could have waited for another day.

Then we went to Target, where I felt it was a good idea to stay in the car (to avoid spending money) but ventured into the store anyway, where I found my dream chairs on sale for $55 for a set of two. (We've already been through two sets of dining room chairs in our home, before I really learned that we'd do better with chairs that don't have arm rests. So now I have these sleek, fantastic, green chairs. And what a price!!)

We came home, put Gulliver down for his nap, and Murray got on the phone again with Epson. And then with Quest. Two hours later, we had answers, but no solutions. It turns out, our Epson printer isn't made to work with the type of network we have set up here, and ultimately, Quest is going to have to send out a technician to solve the problem.

So with our printer hard-wired to my computer (it's currently sitting on our leather reading chair---not the best place for a printer), I was able to finally print the page I was needing. At 8:00 at night.

The GOOD NEWS is that the screen shots print just fine.

The bad news is that I should have been able to find that out 12 hours ago.

(The GOOD news is I have new chairs!)

Rite of Passage

-- Posted from my iPhone, with apologies for any typos.

Hand-Delivered Turkeys

I want you to close your eyes and imagine something very, very special.

Except don't really close your eyes, because you need to read this. Unless you can get someone else to read it to you while your eyes are closed. In which case, close your eyes.

[To the reader: Please read all of this in a very positive, enticing voice. Because it is positive and enticing.]

Imagine a world in which turkey came delivered right to your door, by the farmer's wife. Imagine a world in which you didn't have to speed-thaw your Thanksgiving turkey in the bathtub because you can just stick it straight in the oven, frozen. Imagine a world in which your turkey came out perfect with absolutely no effort on your part. Perfect succulence! Perfect flavor! Perfect turkey! Imagine all your Thanksgiving guests adoring you for the perfect turkey that you have prepared. Oh, and imagine yourself not being exhausted because you didn't have to go to as much effort this year.

Now open your eyes and get this: My adorable sister-in-law is a turkey farmer's wife. And she will deliver your turkey to your door the week of Thanksgiving if you live in Utah or Salt Lake County. And you can put it frozen into the oven, and your guests will love you and you will enjoy Thanksgiving because you won't be exhausted! Does anything sound more wonderful?

Oh yes, something does sound more wonderful! You will get good karma for supporting Utah turkey farmers! (Whereas if you buy Butterball, you can count on the Mormon cricket breaking into your house and eating your young because that is basically what you deserve.)

Here's the info on all the turkey products available (for delivery to your door!!):

Sweetheart Breast Roast $3.75 lb

Turkey Pot Roast $ 2.75 lb

Turkey Burger $ 1.50 lb (these come in 1-lb pkgs)

Sanpete BBQ $ 4.50 lb

SWEETHEART BREAST is a Boneless Turkey Breast Roast that comes in a cooking bag ready for the oven. This makes a very moist turkey! They are sold in 2 different sizes. They come in a 5-6 lb range or 10- 12 lb range. This is a perfect Sunday dinner choice. This product does not need to be thawed. It can be put in the oven frozen. It takes about 35 minutes to pound to cook. This is our family favorite.

TURKEY POT ROAST weighs about 6 1/2 - 7 lbs. It tastes very similar to a beef roast. It is very easy to cook. I usually just thaw it and cook it in my slow cooker. This product is fully cooked and just needs to be warmed. I love to serve this product at a family party. We make warm BBQ sandwiches or I use it a lot to make Tacos. Our family really likes to make the Cafe Rio Salads and Burritos with this. I usually just flavor the meat with a BBQ sauce and some honey to make it sweet.

TURKEY BURGER comes in 1-lb packages. It makes it very convenient for dinners. I use Turkey burger in replacement of Hamburger in most recipes. It is a healthy choice.

SANPETE BBQ weighs about 9-10 lbs. Pieces of breast meat are already marinated in soy sauce and 7-up. (Shut up: Did she just give away the secret recipe?) Ready for the grill. This is the product that they serve during the Manti Pageant. It is very Yummy!

Please email me if you have any questions:

Melanie Blackham
weloveturkey [at] hotmail [dot] com

Wrong search terms

As I was trying to google "what to feed baby with diarrhea" I was filled with joy as I could hear and watch my precious baby boy playing independently with his toys. What a cutie!

What I should have been googling was "how stupid do you have to be to let your diarrhea baby play around on the floor wearing only a onesie."

For those who Google these words in the future and find this post, the answer is "Very."

Toothy

My mom said recently that she sees it as a personal failure that only 2 of her 5 children made it out of her home with their front adult teeth intact. I don't remember what happened to Captain Fabuloso's front tooth. I know that I chipped Richie's by swinging my lunchbox in his face somewhere around the third grade. As for mine, when I was about 9, my dad needed to do some work up at the church one night while my mom was busy, so he took all us kids with him. The church was deserted and the five of us decided to play tag in the dark of the cultural hall (gym). I was "it" and I was sure I was hot on Captain Fabuloso's trail, so I was laughing. And running. In the pitch dark. With my mouth agape. (Note: Laughing loudly is probably not the best strategy when you're "it" during dark tag.) Instead of getting Fabuloso, I ended up running right into a wall, front tooth first.

I chipped the tooth and we never did find the missing piece. I remember going through what seemed like days with half of a front tooth, which even in 4th grade is pretty humiliating. When I got into the dentist, he was able to put a cap on it. I was told not to do things like eat corn on the cob.

I wasn't told not to chase after El Senor up a slide, playing park tag. After a few months of a successful tooth cap, that's what I found myself doing. Laughing again. That is until I slipped and fell tooth-first into the slide. And out popped my cap.

The next time I lost my cap was ridiculous. Remember that "no corn on the cob" thing? Well, I was served corn on the cob, and like an obedient little girl, I cut all the corn off of the cob. Then, I put my first fork full into my mouth and... the cap just fell off! How insulting!

This all eventually led to a root canal, and for the past two decades of my life, I have lived with half of a dead front tooth. It hasn't bothered me at all, except that I started noticing it in pictures and wondering if other people noticed it, too. It was just one of those things about myself that I took for granted and therefore never actually noticed when I looked in the mirror. But recently I started wondering if this is what people noticed when they looked at me. To that end, I have created a poll on my blog and I would love for you to participate! It's totally anonymous, and I guarantee you that my feelings are not wrapped up in this at all. I really do want to know how much people have noticed my tooth over the past few years. Because, you see, I just paid for a crown!

Now, don't judge. The crown is not coming from a superficial standpoint at all. If it were up to me, I'd just go through life with the half-tooth showing because sometimes I have to show people that I'm not all perfect. And when people look at me and my perfect husband, child, and my perfect life, it probably helps to show them that I don't have everything. I don't have two front teeth! But dentists over the years have kept telling me that it was time to put a crown on it, which insurance would pay for, because it needed to be strengthened. And if I didn't put a crown on it, the tooth would eventually just fall out, or something awful like that. But I've been really afraid to do this because the known evil was much better than the unknown evil. What if they shaved down what was left of my real tooth and then replaced it with a bubble tooth that was way more obvious?

Currently I have a temporary crown, and I have to say, even the temporary one is better than what I had. So I guess this isn't all bad. In a couple weeks, I'll get my real crown and this will be the end of my front tooth woes.

Or will it? Check back in two more decades to find out!

(Seriously, respond to the poll! I'm dying to know!)